Integrity In Writing and Life

A main reason it took about nine years to write my memoir is that I was an alcoholic and was drinking too much. I would get drunk and try to write because it was one of the only ways  I could cope with the hurt and pain of examining my troubled childhood.

Obviously my writing suffered when I was drunk and it came off as being self-serving and lacking authenticity. Inevitably I’d just wind up being mad or sad and I’d quit trying to write because I couldn’t face myself or my stories.

Later, when I was sober I’d read what I’d written and feel self-loathing for indulging in self-pity and false self-righteousness. At that point I’d delete what I had written in my alcoholic haze and walk away from it. What I lacked was integrity.

I knew that as long as I was drinking my story wouldn’t be trustworthy. I was talking the talk but not walking the walk and deep inside I knew that my story would lack credibility until I gave up drinking and faced my demons from a stance of power in sobriety. Once I did this and was sober long enough I found the strength in faith to deal with my demons and the writing instantly gained a gravitas that I was incapable of imparting previously. 

I was able to put my shame behind me and compose with integrity in writing and life which yielded insight and healing in the process.